I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
