I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
