Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize