GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
