Old men and throwing up are my life now.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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