I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
