My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
How does one acquire holy water?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
