so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
