after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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