My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize