I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
we should paint friendship bongs
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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