I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
