Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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