Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
