I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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