hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
