wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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