i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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