Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
