I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Randomize
