dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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