You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
