Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
