my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
