dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
