i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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