You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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