just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he told me I talked like a deaf person
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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