You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
