you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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