There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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