my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize