I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
