Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
