It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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