I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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