so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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