Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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