I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Of course I have a pirate flag
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
