The maid of honor just puked.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I wear drunk well.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
