I have demons in me.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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