Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
