you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
