she woke up with a sticky ear
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Text me some of your sweat
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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