so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
