You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
