Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
