I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize