I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize