Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
