He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
