Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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