i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
