We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Barsexuality is the new black.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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