i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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