Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
