So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
