oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
