well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
