I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
