Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
