i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
