Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
