Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Randomize
