I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The best revenge is premature balding
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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