I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
